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Grieving me

I grieve for what could have been

For the life we could have known

When we would sit upon our porch

Marvel at how the kids have grown

You took away the shred of hope

The smile I wore inside my heart

You ripped apart the love I felt

When you shredded my world apart

I would always speak of a future

As you would stare off into space

You knew there would not be one

You would never allow me that place

I would always say I love you

You would mumble the words in return

You never would say them first

Making me feel it’s something to earn

I would attempt to talk of issues

Looking you in the eye as I would speak

You would raise your voice loudly

Making me sink tearfully in retreat

You ruled with such an iron fist

My way or the highway you stood 

I tried so hard for you to love me

Nothing I did mattered or ever would

If I pointed out a terrible wrong

You would not own it as being you

Instead it was everyone else’s fault 

And not something you would do

When others would speak ill of you

You came out blazing ready for fight

When they would hurt me instead 

You could care less to make it right

You would lie to cover the truth

In everything innocent you would be

But truth has a way of finding a home

By surfacing in ways you couldn’t see

Years I have known and seen your way

You would degrade others to stand strong

But making them look like less

Only made you to be more in the wrong 

You should have been my hero

The knight who stood to fight for me 

Instead you were the one who most

Broke me to pieces that I couldn’t see

All I wanted was to feel your love

Which was way too much for me to ask

You made it your agenda to break me

Yes, you definitely won at that task

I sit here looking at the stranger

The one I spent years trying to please

As you glare at me across the room

I feel the darkness in you and freeze

Love and control are not the same

I wish I had realized before it was too late

Maybe I would not have been so shattered

When you would glare at me with such hate

I am trying to break free of being a puppet

As on your string I dance around

I have walked away from you before

Only to soon come back on the rebound

I fear what you might do at any moment

If you knew I was onto your dance

So I pretend ignorance when you lie

So as to protect myself from that chance

One minute you are kind and gentle

My best friend to say the least

But the next the narcissist comes out

And you become yet again that evil beast

I lost myself while trying to find you

I hid within the walls of our home

You isolated me from the people who care

As I continued to live with your heart of stone

My end may come soon in my story

When you realize my foot is out the door

Or I may once again learn to live

When without you I am no more

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