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Mom

I wrote this for my mother last week as I sat with her during her last few days here on Earth. I also read this at her funeral (while fighting back the tears that were determined to escape my eyes). I wanted to share with you because so many of us have lost loved ones recently, and I know someone out there needs to hear these words.

Mom

We now have to say goodbye

As you walk through your last door

Heartbreak sets in as we realize

Tomorrow we will see you no more

You were our shelter in times of trouble

When the storm of life would cross our path

You brought a sense of safety to us

When we were left to face the aftermath

You were the compass always pointing north

When troubles would seem to despair

Your bible you would hold tightly and pray

Telling God to please keep us in his care

Your faith was our stronghold

When at times we would doubt our own

But you never faltered from your prayers

Knowing one day you would reap what was sown

You installed a love of God within us

And set an example of what love should be

Whenever we would be in doubt in life

You would go straight to God on bended knee

Through every trial life would put you through

And every tear that would stream down your face

It was his love and comfort you would seek

You were never far from his embrace

You survived cancers, heart trouble, and dementia

Blood infection and then lungs of broken glass

We knew your final moments were coming

Any moment you could soon pass

We would read the bible to you every morning

Since you could not do it on your own

You would lie in bed looking upward

Letting his words resonate the unknown

It tore us apart as we watched you slowly slip away

We would pray “God please take away her pain”

Our hearts were breaking as we would watch you

We would cry endless tears like falling rain

We would hold your hand ever so gently

And whisper words of love into your ear

We tried so hard to be strong for you

Even though coming true was our worst fear

We knew where you were going

And that at peace soon you would be

But it didn’t take away the sense of our loss

Knowing you would be gone, no longer to see

I wonder, if only we had known the end

Would sneak in and be approaching so soon

If we had had just one more day, one moment

Just one more time to sit in the afternoon

I would have hugged you just a little tighter

Placed another kiss upon your cheek

I would have told you how thankful I was

That you found the time for to God to speak

So it is goodbye for now mom

Maybe those words are not really true

How about instead I say “see you again soon”

As heaven’s gate you walk through

Something instead

She was so strong because she had to

No one in the background to say “I got you”

She always cried tears no one could see

Hoping someone would come to set her free

Her heart was broken time after time

Others walls she got too tired to climb

She was a lost soul in search of truth

Longing to find the girl of her youth

Who she used to be she had soon forgotten

Like her soul had started to slowly rotten

She was beginning to die there on the inside

No matter what she did or how she tried

She floated about drifting shore to shore

Trying to find that lost soul again once more

The reflection in the mirror was a stranger

She had no idea how close she was to danger

Darkness she could no longer seem to outrun

Fear overcame her, she felt herself becoming undone

She reached for the rope she hoped to find

Fanning her hand into the darkness like the blind

She wanted to grasp hold of something strong

Help her to forget the times she’d been so wrong

She needed the strength of another’s arms

To hold her and tell her she was safe from harm

She searched through the darkness holding true

That soon she would find it, she would find you

She tried to remember the last time she smiled

Did she as an adult or was it when she was a child

When was the last time someone saw her soul

That they looked into her eyes and saw she wasn’t whole

Could the years of such damage even be repaired?

Would someone see the broken pieces and even care?

Was there magic glue for each and every piece?

Could the pain go away or slowly decrease?

The storms rush in, waves of rain and thunder

She would sit alone in her room and often just wonder

Why life had left her devastated and broken

“Please love me” she left the words unspoken

A critic once knocked her so deeply far down

She forgot how to smile and wore only a frown

Was she not worthy of love and deep affection?

Was it so hard to send any towards her direction?

She slowly withered away to be seen no more

No longer the girl she was once before

She emerged from the small she had now become

Shedding the shell she had wiggled herself from

Her wings started to spread and soon take flight

Once she realized darkness turns to light

You must only weather in hiding for so long

Before you allow yourself to fly and again be strong

Strength within is often hard to find alone

When within the years it is all you have known

But when faith is once again presented to you

Love finds way to the heart and breaks through

You soon become a butterfly, your wings are spread

You have emerged into something beautiful instead

I smiled today!

They said “You are so beautiful”

I smiled today

They said “You are so kind”

I smiled today

They said “You are so strong”

I smiled today

They said “You are so smart”

I smiled today

They said “You are so thoughtful”

I smiled today

They said “You have so much love to give”

I smiled today

They said “You are so amazing”

I smiled today

They said “How was your day?”

I smiled today

They said “Can I help you with that?”

I smiled today

They said “Does that bother you?”

I smiled today

They said “What is on your mind?”

I smiled today

They said “I want you to meet my family”

I smiled today

They said “How did your appointment go?”

I smiled today

They said “I miss you”

I smiled today

They said “I can feel your heart”

I smiled today

They said “Thank you for dinner”

I smiled today

They said “Your touch means everything”

I smiled today

They said “Will you help me with this?”

I smiled today

They said “You are all I want”

I smiled today

They said “I’d love it if you came with me to…”

I smiled today

They said “One day I would like to…”

I smiled today

They said “Tell me what you are thinking”

I smiled today

They said “I am sorry you went through that”

I smiled today

They said “What can I do for you?”

I smiled today

They said “I am proud of you”

I smiled today

They said “You are so talented”

I smiled today

They said “Let me get that door for you”

I smiled today

They said “Can I see you today?”

I smiled today

They said “I will never hurt you”

I smiled today

They said “I will always make time for you”

I smiled today

They said “I understand your pain”

I smiled today

They said “I want to slow dance with you”

I smiled today

They said “I just want to hold you a while”

I smiled today

They said “I can truly see you”

I smiled today

They said “Is everything ok?”

I smiled today

They said “I respect you”

I smiled today

They said “You look amazing”

I smiled today

They said “Thank you for sharing that with me”

I smiled today

They said “Thank you I appreciate that”

I smiled today

They said “Do you believe in soul mates?”

I smiled today

They said “You are my everything”

I smiled today

They said “I think about you all the time”

I smiled today

They said “You have a beautiful smile”

I smiled even more today

They said how lucky they are

Because they saw my smile today

I wonder if they even know

Why it was that I smiled today

I looked into their eyes and felt their love

I will smile even more tomorrow

Drowning in Darkness

I am not who I was once before

You can no longer hurt me anymore

I am thankful for the painful scars

That you placed upon my broken heart

For without those tears and the pain

I would not have found strength within the rain

I have been told by many that I am strong

I look at them knowing they must be wrong

I have always lived with such a fear

Hiding within my walls when love was near

Words of promise would leave me broken

I would be shattered with words left unspoken

“I will never leave you” would give me hope

Soon after I would be left empty to cope

Goodbyes are words we never dream

I am so angry right now-I want to scream

So many wasted years I spent waiting

While love died and I was left fading

I withered away while you grew strong

I pleaded for love-you turned and were gone

You left before I ever walked away

All I wanted was you to love me and stay

You became a mere stranger to me

I looked into your eyes and empty I could see

Did I ever even matter-was I of value to you

Or was I just a challenge for you to pursue

Did you ever plan to one day grow old

With me next to you and my hand to hold

Or could you see yourself once again being free

Letting go of all that once reminded you of me

You eliminated my presence one item at a time

I said goodbye-those mountains I could no longer climb

I slowly started to fade within those house walls

Begging for love as I would yet again start to fall

Despair overtook my eyes and knives cut my heart

You did not offer comfort-just pulled me further apart

You became a stranger but then again-were you always?

Did I ever really known the man I pass in the hallway?

How can one be so cold and just not care?

When I spent so many years living within such despair

I grasped at every straw and the least bit of affection

Waiting and hoping for it to come again in my direction

Yet I was only one thing to you-a body of convenience

I look back at it now and on your part that was genius

Never giving more because why should you have to

When you could be happy if to yourself you were true

When you love someone your thoughts do not drift

You do not want them then in the next moment shift

You cannot make to someone a promise of devotion

When you have no intention of keeping that notion

How could you look at my tears and just turn away

When I needed your arms around me to be Ok

You were cold and distant and a stranger often to me

I was left broken and decided to finally let you go free

I packed and left giving your life back once more

I looked over my shoulder in tears as I walked out that door

You did not grab hold and ask me to please stay

Instead you hurried me to leave and pushed me on my way

Don’t you ever hurt or miss me even in the least

As I am now gone and our love has become deceased

You were happy before me or so I have heard

You can once again bury your heart and leave it unstirred

The pain some days kills me and tears flow down

I wish you happiness as I sit in this darkness and drown

The Climb

Being blessed as vertically challenged, or as I like to call it “a midget” has often brought with it a lot of struggles. Now I know there are a lot more people shorter then my total of 5′ 2″ height but throughout the years I have come to realize there are some things I just cannot do, like reach the top shelf.

One time I was cooking dinner for my family and realized I needed a spice out of the cupboard above the stove. I climbed onto the edge of the counter next to the stove and leaned across the burners to the cupboard to reach inside. The spice I wanted was not visible where I could have sworn I left it. So for a few moments I had to dig around inside until I found the exact one I needed. Finally! However, by the time I found my spice I was starting to smell something burning. I was only boiling water at that point, could water smell so terrible? Well, as I look down at my oversized shirt I was wearing that truly was maybe 2-3 times bigger then the size I should be wearing, I noticed something unfamiliar. There was definitely something burning, it was me and that wonderful big shirt. Apparently, I had leaned over the burner enough that my shirt had caught hold of the flame and now there was this beautiful color rising up my shirt very quickly, I was on fire. I screamed “fire”, my family ignored me. At some point I must have sounded in a panic because my children came running to see. I am still trying to decide if grounding should have been an essential element when the kids started rolling with laughter instead of trying desperately to save my burning life. Ah, good times.

That is not the only time in my life where I have found the need to climb. My life has been an endless journey of “I just cannot seem to reach this”. I have tried to get into a truck that was way too tall for my little legs to reach up to. I suggested a rope ladder, much to their amusement (they did not get the rope ladder). I have tried to get my foot up into a horse saddle, much to the amusement of the horse (can we quit spinning please while I am trying to not die?). My height has been a struggle when climbing trees, going on carnival rides, and some gym equipment. Much to my sadness, I just had to come to terms with the fact that there are some things I just cannot climb effortlessly. And apparently, watering this little flower is not going to make me grow anytime soon.

There are other things in life I have also struggled with to climb. There have been missed job opportunities where I could not climb the ladder like I truly wanted to, there have been hurdles blocking my path that I just could not climb over, and there has been darkness I just could not climb out of without some help. But above all, the hardest thing I have ever had to climb was a wall around someone’s heart.

When you find someone that you just have such a connection with (sometimes instantly, sometimes over a period of time) and you can just see your future with them, that wall becomes a huge obstacle. Some people are so scared to let anyone inside their compounds that they just keep adding brick after brick. The wall is hard enough to climb, but when you are vertically challenged, eventually you cannot even see over the top of the wall to see what is on the other side anymore. You can try to knock the bricks down but you run into the same scenario that the old woof did when the little pigs told him to go ahead and “huff and puff and blow our house down”. When you put walls around your heart, it becomes impossible for anyone else to call that place home. It makes you start to wonder, are they protecting themselves from others getting in, or are they protecting the ones on the outside from getting hurt from the danger that lives within the walls?

I have found that the people who guard their hearts the most, do it for reasons that maybe we just do not want to know the answers to. Maybe that wall is there for good reason and we should just knock on the door, and if that door is not answered, walk away because we are not meant to know what is on the other side of those walls. Some walls are not meant to be climbed. Maybe the next heart you find will have no wall whatsoever and you can walk in freely, no climbing needed, the door will be wide open waiting for you and inviting you in. I have found after many years of trying to climb over walls, I have become tired. As we get older we realize that there are some things we are just not meant to do anymore. Some things are just not worth the time and effort, not if you are going to be hurt in the process. I am now turning a corner in my life, no longer willing to climb brick walls, but looking for the open doors that are meant for me. Like Motel 6 says, I hope someone leaves the light on for me. And I hope they do for you also!

Trash to Treasure

I have to confess that when I am driving down the road on garbage day, I cannot help but to slow down and look at a few items on the side of the road as I pass. Some things that I see thrown out just makes me want to ask the question “Why?” They still look in pretty good condition to me, so I cannot help but to wonder why that person would choose to part with it. Then there are other items that appear broken or like their better days have long passed them by.

These are the items that intrigue me the most, the broken. I have to admit that I have always been a bit on the crafty side. I see things that most people consider garbage and envision turning them into some new creation. I instantly visualize what I want to do with it and what this masterpiece could look like once it was completely refurbished. I have turned end tables into dog beds, refurbished a china cabinet, painted rusted signs into new creations, made clothes into blankets, and so much more. I find so much joy in turning trash to treasure. I will admit, I am a fixer. If something is broken, I have a hard time turning it away, I always think to myself “I have to at least try to save it.”

In life we often find it very easy to throw things out when they no longer serve our purpose. Maybe they are no longer beautiful, maybe they no longer fit, maybe you want to upgrade to something better, or maybe you just do not want it anymore. We throw things out so easily, out to the curb it goes without even a second thought. We turn and walk away without even a glance over our shoulder, we are done with it.

Have you ever had a relationship that sounds like that? Maybe it is a friend, a coworker, your child, or even the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with? At some point does that relationship no longer serve the purpose you intended it to or what you had hoped for? Are you quick to just throw it away? Do you then turn and walk away without even a second thought about it? It is easy to do isn’t it? Have you been there? Have you done that to someone? Have they done that to you? Have you been that piece of trash no one wants anymore, no one cares about? Have you sat alone and just wished someone would come along and see the beauty that is still left in you? Someone just willing to say “We can fix this!”

What if that relationship could be fixed? What if instead of throwing it out, you sought out to find the beauty that is left. Maybe you cannot restore it to what it once was, too much damage has been done. But what if you could take what has been made ugly and use that to create something even more beautiful? The truth of the matter is that if things are not taken care of, whether it be an item, a relationship, or even a heart it will deteriorate right before your eyes. Suddenly something you loved so much just becomes an eyesore, you can no longer see the beauty in it.

Everything in life takes work to be maintained. It has to be a conscious decision to choose to maintain it, it cannot be left as an afterthought, something you will get around to “someday” only to find out later that the “someday” has already passed you on by. By then it is already too late, the damage has been done. What if right now you look at that one thing you want to throw away and you start to see the beauty in it that you once saw? You can do that, but it is a choice. You can put in the effort to refurbish it, make it beautiful yet again. Is it easy? Of course not. Quality takes time, it takes patience, it takes a LOT of TLC. But once you put in the sweat and tears, really get your hands dirty, put every effort you possible can into restoring it, just imagine what beautiful thing you could create if only you just cared enough to try. What was once to be thrown away, could end up being the most beautiful thing you ever imagined possible. Trash to treasure, all it takes is love.

Grieving me

I grieve for what could have been

For the life we could have known

When we would sit upon our porch

Marvel at how the kids have grown

You took away the shred of hope

The smile I wore inside my heart

You ripped apart the love I felt

When you shredded my world apart

I would always speak of a future

As you would stare off into space

You knew there would not be one

You would never allow me that place

I would always say I love you

You would mumble the words in return

You never would say them first

Making me feel it’s something to earn

I would attempt to talk of issues

Looking you in the eye as I would speak

You would raise your voice loudly

Making me sink tearfully in retreat

You ruled with such an iron fist

My way or the highway you stood 

I tried so hard for you to love me

Nothing I did mattered or ever would

If I pointed out a terrible wrong

You would not own it as being you

Instead it was everyone else’s fault 

And not something you would do

When others would speak ill of you

You came out blazing ready for fight

When they would hurt me instead 

You could care less to make it right

You would lie to cover the truth

In everything innocent you would be

But truth has a way of finding a home

By surfacing in ways you couldn’t see

Years I have known and seen your way

You would degrade others to stand strong

But making them look like less

Only made you to be more in the wrong 

You should have been my hero

The knight who stood to fight for me 

Instead you were the one who most

Broke me to pieces that I couldn’t see

All I wanted was to feel your love

Which was way too much for me to ask

You made it your agenda to break me

Yes, you definitely won at that task

I sit here looking at the stranger

The one I spent years trying to please

As you glare at me across the room

I feel the darkness in you and freeze

Love and control are not the same

I wish I had realized before it was too late

Maybe I would not have been so shattered

When you would glare at me with such hate

I am trying to break free of being a puppet

As on your string I dance around

I have walked away from you before

Only to soon come back on the rebound

I fear what you might do at any moment

If you knew I was onto your dance

So I pretend ignorance when you lie

So as to protect myself from that chance

One minute you are kind and gentle

My best friend to say the least

But the next the narcissist comes out

And you become yet again that evil beast

I lost myself while trying to find you

I hid within the walls of our home

You isolated me from the people who care

As I continued to live with your heart of stone

My end may come soon in my story

When you realize my foot is out the door

Or I may once again learn to live

When without you I am no more

Losing my voice

When I was younger I use to love to sing. I would sing to every song that came on the radio, although the occasional heavy rock song would be a struggle for my voice. Somehow I just could not manage to accomplish the heavy growl, screech, or scream that was much needed to go with the electric guitars in the background. I did, however, find that my voice seemed to resonate well with gospel music or soft ballads. I would sing in the shower (don’t we all), I would sing on the way to and from school, and most often just in my bedroom. I would sing in the car with my mom, I would sing with my friends when they came over, I would sing with my sisters, and quite often I would sing to my beloved pets (they always were very supportive and listened quite well.)

At one point I had envisioned making my own album. When I told a friend of mine this detail, they put me into contact with someone who had a recording studio in their home. My older sister and I talked about doing this together, so much practice was needed. We would sing together quite often as we would try to learn to blend our voices and harmonize with one another. She always had such a beautiful voice, mine however was still going through that fun transformation it does as we age throughout our teenage years. I struggled to find my voice. Soon it came time for us to plan what we were going to record and when. We obviously could not steal a song from our favorite ladies we loved to sing with, The Judds. Oh how we loved to sing “Love can build a bridge” or “He’s crazy”. But The Judds, we were not. This pipe dream seemed to fade into the distance over time and never was fulfilled. I continued to sing over the years, but as I went through life I somehow lost my voice.

One day I realized I had just quit singing. Even driving down the road listening to the radio, I would find my voice just to be a soft whisper. Maybe it was criticism over the years from others, or maybe it was my own self doubt in myself. I began to feel that everything I did was just not good enough. The voices of so many others had filled me with such self doubt that soon that was the only voices I could hear, my own vanished. I envisioned dogs howling at my singing, or that my voice sounded like a cat screeching when you accidentally would step on its tail. I even once went to a bar with the guy I was dating at the time which loved to do karaoke. After much persuasion on his behalf, I went on stage. I attempted to sing the song “Maybe he will notice her now” by Mindy McCready. Well, to make a long story short, the bar seemed to empty quite quickly that night. After I got done singing, I noticed it was only 9:00 pm and the bar was empty. Where did everyone go, was it my singing? More self doubt entered into my existence right there. That was the last time I ever sang in public (out loud anyway).

Fast forward to about seven years ago. I started attending a church with my (now) husband and they would put the words up on the screen so you could sing with the band. I would listen to the music and read the words but my mouth would never open. I eventually faced much criticism from him because of this, drilling me why I wouldn’t sing. So eventually I started mouthing the words so I would be in his good graces. I felt my voice was not meant to be heard. I would spend seven years in this relationship always feeling like my voice was not meant to be heard, my words would often stay hidden within my heart or mouthed but never spoken aloud. I lost my voice.

Sitting in church this morning I started to think about this when the minister was talking about Fear. I have spent my entire life being scared. I was scared of judgment, scared of not being accepted, scared of being criticized, scared of feeling like I don’t matter, scared I will never be good enough, scared to speak up about injustice, scared to stand up against things I knew were wrong. I even sat quietly through a relationship that I knew was toxic, that I knew would only hurt me to the point of no return. I stood strong by someone and tried to love them, even through all the pain and fear they caused me, even when I could see the darkness within them. Their voice was always heard. When I would try to speak, to talk, to try to fix what was broken, my voice was overpowered by the loudness of theirs. I lost my voice.

Today I sat in church alone, today I did not sit by my biggest critic. Today I sat with just my own thoughts, my own feelings, and the presence of God that spoke to me all too clearly saying “Use your voice”. I am tired of hiding in the shadows, I am tired of living in fear, I am tired of standing by someone who would not stand by me if the situation was reversed. I am tired of loving someone who is incapable of returning that love. Love is not control and it has taken me a long time to realize this. When I lost my voice, I lost my value. I am slowly finding myself again, and I demand to be heard. Today I sang in church. I found my voice. Today I sang in my car. I found my voice. Today I wrote in my blog about speaking my truth. Today I found my voice!