Grieving me

I grieve for what could have been
For the life we could have known
When we would sit upon our porch
Marvel at how the kids have grown
You took away the shred of hope
The smile I wore inside my heart
You ripped apart the love I felt
When you shredded my world apart
I would always speak of a future
As you would stare off into space
You knew there would not be one
You would never allow me that place
I would always say I love you
You would mumble the words in return
You never would say them first
Making me feel it’s something to earn
I would attempt to talk of issues
Looking you in the eye as I would speak
You would raise your voice loudly
Making me sink tearfully in retreat
You ruled with such an iron fist
My way or the highway you stood
I tried so hard for you to love me
Nothing I did mattered or ever would
If I pointed out a terrible wrong
You would not own it as being you
Instead it was everyone else’s fault
And not something you would do
When others would speak I’ll of you
You came out blazing ready for fight
When they would hurt me instead
You could care less to make it right
You would lie to cover the truth
In everything innocent you would be
But truth has a way of finding a home
By surfacing in ways you couldn’t see
Years I have known and seen your way
You would degrade others to stand strong
But making them look like less
Only made you to be more in the wrong
You should have been my hero
The knight who stood to fight for me
Instead you were the one who most
Broke me to pieces that I couldn’t see
All I wanted was to feel your love
Which was way too much for me to ask
You made it your agenda to break me
Yes, you definitely won at that task
I sit here looking at the stranger
The one I spent years trying to please
As you glare at me across the room
I feel the darkness in you and freeze
Love and control are not the same
I wish I had realized before it was too late
Maybe I would not have been so shattered
When you would glare at me with such hate
I am trying to break free of being a puppet
As on your string I dance around
I have walked away from you before
Only to soon come back on the rebound
I fear what you might do at any moment
If you knew I was onto your dance
So I pretend ignorance when you lie
So as to protect myself from that chance
One minute you are kind and gentle
My best friend to say the least
But the next the narcissist comes out
And you become yet again that evil beast
I lost myself while trying to find you
I hid within the walls of our home
You isolated me from the people who care
As I continued to live with your heart of stone
My end my come soon in my story
When you realize my foot is out the door
Or I may once again learn to live
When without you I am no more